I may be certifiably insane. Man, I hope this doesn’t interfere with my career goals.

Yesterday one of my coworkers almost stepped on a snake that was lying on the concrete about a foot from our office door when she came back from her lunch break. There is only one door to this office. The solution is clear: I can never go outside again.

Just to clarify; I am scared of nothing on this planet except for snakes. In fact, just typing the word creeps me the hell out. I can’t look at pictures of them, I can’t see them near me. I do not want to “work on that”. I have long since coped with my fear and the possible handicap it poses on my future life. One time, I saw one in my front yard and I refuse to this day to walk in the grass in front of the house. Yes, I am probably crazy. I will take a leigion of zombies anyday (bring it on!), but I won’t open Webster’s Dictionary For Kids, With Pictures!  to the S section.

So anyway. My coworker calls her sister in rapid spanish to tell her all about it. When she hangs up, she turns to me in her spindly chair and says “Oh, my sister said that that is good luck!” (Her sister must be on crack. Stepping on any animal, creepy reptillian or not, is going to piss it off. One thing leads to another and it doesn’t end well.) My coworker then went on to smack her forehead against something solid, trip on nothing and get the most vicious looking papercut I’ve ever seen in my life. So obviously, almost stepping on that thing didn’t really do her much good. Regardless, I am now terrified of the perfectly manicured foliage just outside of the office door. Wonderful.

This morning I deliberately woke up early, dragged myself out of the house and went to work about 20 minutes early. I did this so I could park directly in fron to the building and lie in wait in my car until the office door opened. (Our office door has a keypad and you have to sit out there and press buttons for a minute before you can get the door to open.) When I saw it swing open, I ran like a freakin’ gazelle from my vehicle, flew inside the door, down the hall and into my office where I jumped up and down a bit to make sure nothing got on me. (Unfortunately, the jumping up and down part was involuntary.)

Now I am curled up akwardly on my spindly chair so that no part of me touches the ground. My coworkers think I might be taking stimulants. Fantastic.